Chains for Wings

I know.  It's been a while. I've been wrapped up in this whole motherhood thing.  Can I just say....being a mama can be such a crazy gig?! Factor in the fact that I'm a terrible procrastinator who is also very easily distracted and it's a miracle I manage to even update my Facebook status, much less put together a couple of pages for a blog post. Though, the fact that I DO manage to update regularly may explain some of my distraction issues!  Still, if in the midst of my crazy days of life and family shenanigans,  I have something I just can't get out of my head, I've learned that I may not be the one who put it there.  At some point, those things get written down and usually shared.  I must admit that I'm a little afraid to write some of the things down that have been in my head lately...especially for others to see!! I also don't think I should drop in once every few months and just unload on any unsuspecting readers!:)  So, while those things are likely coming, this post is about something near and dear to my heart and something that I hope will encourage many of you in this thing called, "Motherhood".

Rule #1 of motherhood should read as follows:  

"When you think you have some things figured out....think again."

Well, I guess that's not very "encouraging" now is it?  What I mean to say is, don't be surprised or feel like less of a mom when things have been going so well and your kids suddenly switch gears on you and cause your mental "mom of the year" award to be tarnished.  It comes with the territory.  Expect it.

First borns, especially, are constantly moving you into uncharted waters.  What they should and should not be allowed to do is forever being put through 5,000 checks and balances.  The same can be true for boys vs. girls. For me, I have twin boys that are 14....and a girl that is 5!! I was so use to boy stuff and was never a girly, girl myself that she presents many new challenges to my parenting skills!  There are so many phases that if you have more than one child, you may find yourself in a constant state of wonder about your parenting decisions and approach.  For older ones...sometimes it's new activities, new schools, trouble with friends, trouble with girlfriends/boyfriends, issues with grades, or sometimes it's just that lovely attitude that implies, "mom knows absolutely nothing".)

For younger ones, you may find yourself in a new phase each day...sleeping, potty training, sharing, temper tantrums, the dress phase, the shorts phase, or more recently for us...the overalls phase. Then it's back to learning to be a good friend, a good student , etc. As the youngest of 5, I can tell you that parents don't often get as worked up over as many things with #5 as they did with #1. Some say it's because parents are worn down by this time.  Which, quite frankly, is partially true.  However, I think they've been in their roles long enough to see more of the big picture and have learned what is truly important and what. just. isn't.

Regardless of how many kids you have, most people can see where our angst as moms comes in.  So much of our time is spent finding the right balance for each child in their freedoms and boundaries.  It is SO very important to find that balance.  Not having it can lead them to stumble and fall all the way into an unbalanced adult. I think we all know some of those...or maybe we are one of those. (For me, it depends on the day.) At the root of this monumental task, though, lie two areas that I'm really trying to get a handle on that I think will help me guide all the other areas with much more confidence and much less anxiety.  One has the ability to saddle our children with chains and the other...wings.     

Taming the Beast (And I Don't Mean Your Child):

Becoming a parent births more than a kid. It births a wealth of deep-seeded emotions and one is an ugly beast named, Fear. I certainly struggle with it. Some of the simplest of decisions can be almost painful, can't they, because we fear the consequences our child will suffer if we make the wrong decisions?  You can go back to my earliest blog posts and see how God has used the move to California to help me work on those issues...and He continues to provide ample opportunity for me to address my fears! I mean, at one end of the spectrum, we're trying to raise them to be well rounded adults that will one day contribute to the world around them.  All the while, we're seeing them and that world with a mom's eye view.....what the world can do to them.  

Now, I'm not saying our fears are always irrational or unfounded. Fears of safety, fears for their health, their future, their hearts....those are all legit fears! We are hardwired with protective, motherly instincts for a reason.  What I am saying is this: 

If we operate and interact with them in a constant state of anxiety where every conversation we have, every interaction with them, and every decision we make is laced with fear....we run the risk of them growing up with a severe disability....the paralysis of a fearful spirit.

2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that's not of God. 

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (KJV)

Hundreds of verses in scripture, actually, tell us that fear is from the enemy, not God.  Why would we want to saddle them with anything that's not of God? 

We must get a handle on our own fears or we may shackle our children with them.  Then, we can address each situation with a confidence that instills confidence in our children.  Yes, some things are deserving of a healthy dose of fear.  That's where we have to foster common sense.  However, we love these little sugar boogers so much that our love for them sometimes gets muddled with irrational fears and "what if" scenarios. This is where the helicopter mom is birthed, by the way, in case any of you have ever wondered.  I'm talking state of the art, military grade helicopter. Before you start picturing that mom at the ballpark or at little Johnny's school, don't forget that we've ALL taken a ride on that chopper.  Some of us stand ready to launch our alert 5 aircraft at any moment, the rest of us are probably at the very least....frequent flyers.  

Today, I'm not talking about specific scenarios and lists of do's and don'ts, though I'm sure those would be helpful. But, for the purposes of this post, I'm only talking about the root issues.  So, to help convey what I mean, I'll tell you what I want the end result to be for my kids in regards to fear when my primary parenting years are over: I want them to be so grounded in their faith and assured of God's goodness and His love for them that they fearlessly follow wherever He leads.  I will also tell you what I DON'T want for my kids: I don't want them to make the mistakes we all likely make at times when we become so focused on ourselves, how we can make our lives better, and even how we can add a few more days to our earthly lives.....that we forget to really LIVE and we miss out on the best God has for us because we nurture our fears instead of our faith. We focus on the temporal and not the eternal.  I want them to fear making those costly mistakes more than they fear death. As a matter of fact, I'd rather they not fear death at all! Don't misunderstand me....I would be devastated if my children left this earth before me.  But, it certainly bears stating....if the worst thing that can happen is that we leave this earth to be with Jesus, what really is there to fear?? 

Earning Wings:

Now, having said all of that, while God did not give us a spirit of timidity, as the NIV refers to it, He certainly did not give us a spirit of stupidity, either! For crying out loud, the whole book of Proverbs pleads with us to seek wisdom!  The only real fear that requires our allegiance is fear of the LORD.  

"Get wisdom; get insight;do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth.Do not forsake her, and she will keep you;love her, and she will guard you." ~ Proverbs 4:5-6

(Side note: I always think it's special....and kinda fun.... that when Proverbs speaks of wisdom, it's referred to as a woman to be treasured!)

So, you might be asking, "So, how is this now "fearless" child suppose to obtain all this wisdom? I mean, we are still talking about kids here!"  Well, God only gave a couple of directions specifically to children outside of "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength", which He gives to us all.  He said:

1) Obey your parents
2) Honor your father and mother

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." ~ Ephesians 6:1

Recognizing God's authority on their lives and recognizing our God given authority as their parents are non negotiable in biblical parenting.   His authority is for their good.  Why, oh why would we deprive them of that?

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.  Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck."  ~ Proverbs 1:7-9

God simply expects them to honor their father and mother and obey their parents. Why?? Simply put, they all too often they think they know better than us.  Yet, the truth is, they are too young and inexperienced to make that distinction.  Sure, we explain and teach and reason and explain some more. However, we needn't think they have to agree with us or even completely understand the "why" in order to obey.  See, WE are their wisdom until they can discern wisdom for themselves.  Even after they've accepted Christ and have the Holy Spirit to guide their understanding, WE will be their primary guides to point them in the way they should go while they are under our roof.  I believe God fully expects us to step up to that roll and not shrink back when things get hairy.  However many tears they cry, however many hurt puppy looks we get, however our own hearts break for them, we fail them if we don't instill the basic respect for authority in our children.  

It's why you spat the hands of a toddler that keeps trying to take the safety plugs out of the electrical outlet.  Sure, you say, "no!" And redirect them, distract them, move them, and explain and say, "hot".  But, he doesn't know what hot is so he just smiles when you say, "no" and reaches for it again. So...eventually you spat his little chubby hands to let him know a painful consequence is involved before real injury occurs. The next time he eyes the outlet, he points at it and says, "hot!"  and you hug him and say, "yes..hot!" and tell him what a good listener he is. He's not thinking how mean mommy is and he certainly won't be scarred for life as he could have been had you not made that boundary clear on a level he could understand.  It is our job to make sure they know their boundaries until they're able to make those distinctions. See, however much they insist on what they want, they have no idea if it is, in fact, something they're going to love or something that's going to cause them harm. 

Does that sound familiar for some reason? It sure resonates for me. How many times have we been at a crossroad with God where the boundary was clear and we disobeyed because we either didn't understand the "why" or flat out disagreed? How many times did we find out the "why" later on down the road? Or on the flip side, maybe we obeyed when it was hard and down the road, the "why" became evident and we were beyond thankful that we obeyed.   

I don't think any of us would knowingly cheat our children out of the best that God has for them by allowing them to live outside the boundaries we set for them and those that God has set for them.  That is just simply the consequence of wimping out with our kids and not teaching them the ways of wisdom.  Not to say that we can't do everything right and our children not choose God's way as adults, but, we want to give them every opportunity while they are in our care.  

I don't say any of this to shame anyone.  I certainly don't say it because I do it perfectly, either.  I only want to remind myself and my fellow moms that God gave us these roles....our own heavenly Father.   If we stay plugged into Him, always seeking His will for our kiddos, we CAN find the balance they need.  We can give them the freedom to truly and fearlessly live this life.  We may one day find that they are mighty men and women who, as Isaiah 40:31 puts it, "Wait on the Lord, renew their strength, mount up with wings like eagles."  

What more could we hope for our children than for them to become adults who, full of wisdom and without fear.....wait upon the Lord, however small or monumental the decisions or tasks before them may be?   I'll trade in my frequent flyer miles in a heartbeat....and the chains that go with them..... if it means they can soar like an eagle.  

Why I Took My (Baby) Boys to See American Sniper

If you normally read my ramblings, you will remember last time I shared the revelation that I am now a grown up.  At 37 years of age....tis a profound revelation, I know.  Yes, I'm a blonde.  Well....I use to be a blonde.....before all the children darkened my hair.  Now I pay to be a blonde.  Anywho..... 

I guess this brings me to my next revelation.  This next revelation, though, is actually profound enough that it could put my stomach in knots if I let it.  So, here goes........... 

Get this....not only am I a grown up.....I am now raising two 14 yr old boys and one 5 yr old girl. 

Correction: I am raising 2 YOUNG MEN....PLUS a tiny little woman with the hope and prayer that the end result will be two GROWN MEN and one GROWN WOMAN.  I am trying my darndest not to raise 3 young people that will one day grow up to be 3 OVERGROWN CHILDREN.  Get me? I mean, I guess I've  known on some level that I had that responsibility from the moment the hubs and I nervously laughed and left the hospital with two baby boys in the backseat. I guess it just always seems like there will be time. Yet, here we are getting high school stuff in order for the boys for fall. HIGH SCHOOL. Sorry for all the capitalized words and bold print.  I'm not freaking out.  Really. But, I SO could. Yes, I know....growing up should be the obvious result but, as I mentioned in my last post....growing old is the only natural part of the process.  Growing up is not guaranteed.   

I was in San Diego a few months ago for a Beth Moore conference that was being held at San Diego University.  Standing in line with my girlfriends, there were kids (as in young men and women) walking in small groups all over the campus.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have just about 4 years left with my boys before they will, in all likelihood, be off in some similar setting...without me....pretty much on their own and man did I have a lot left to teach them.  It was time for me to stick a pin in the proverbial bubble I've kept them in and prepare them for the real world. How are they suppose to be well adjusted, well rounded adults, battling the forces of evil one day if they have no clue as to what the world is really like?  How are they suppose to have a heart for others when so much of their world truly revolves around themselves? 

{As a side note - I should say that when I say, "I", there is certainly a "we".  Their dad's words and actions, by design, carry so much more weight with them...especially the boys...than mine.  However, the saying, "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world", is understood so well because us mamas, by design, know our babies so well.  Even when some of our babies just turned 14.  We know them even better then...how they operate....how to influence them and if we wanted to....how to manipulate them.  That is an incredible responsibility that I don't want to squander. So, while I will be focusing on MY responsibility for this post, please know the hubs and I are very much in this together.} 

The Bubble Effect 

See, we now live in an area of Southern California that is referred to by the locals as, "the hill".  While it's actually a peninsula...for the most part, it is both figuratively and quite literally a bubble of protection from the typical LA/Hollywood scenes we've always seen on TV.  It was scary leaving our Tennessee bubble of close family and friends that we were so rooted in to move to California.  It was a huge leap of faith for me to take them from such an overtly Christian area to an area of the country not typically known for it's spiritual mind set. I could just picture them being devoured by the godless wolves! (So not true, by the way.  There are some great, God fearing, Jesus loving folks out here.  Granted, we aren't in Kansas anymore.  But, we have them in a nice, safe, little bubble.)  

I was convicted over this "bubble" thing several months ago.  The kids and I were listening to one of my favorite morning car ride songs, Higher, by Lecrae and 10th Avenue North.  Preston made the comment that this song made him sad.  Now, I listen to the song because it is an upbeat song set to rap music and SO uplifting.  I'll just give you a little snippet: 

Lead me higher, Lead me higher, And lift my eyes up, to the Light way, I can see all the pain coming to an end Lead me higher, into Your fire. Burn away all of the desires. And let my heart beat again. 

I was reminded that they couldn't understand that song because they really didn't know much about pain.  About real life.  How could they? They're only 14 (13 at that time) and really....they live in a bubble where their mommy feels sorry for them because they had to leave a nice cushy bubble to come to sunny California where they now have to spend a large portion of their evenings doing homework instead of playing.  Oh the humanity!  This conviction made me realize I had more intentional work to do on their emotional and spiritual I.Q.'s. and just like they are quite a ways from being intellectually ready for college, they're even further from bring ready for real life beyond this home. Now, I did simply explain the song in depth that day and they got it. Occasionally they'll even choose it when they have control of the music.  Which, is a win. But, the conviction didn't stop there.  Therefore, I didn't stop there.   

Why I Took My Boys to See American Sniper: 

Now, let me first say....this is not a recommendation for you to hop in the car and take your kids to see this movie.  They are all at different stages and there's no need to traumatize them! However, yes, I took my 13 yr. old boys to an actual movie theater to see a R rated movie, chalked full of violence and bad language, when I rarely let them watch anything of the sort at home. Some of you may not see it as a big deal at all and others may be saying, "I can't believe she did that!" Either way, I, for one, didn't take the decision lightly.  I even consulted with some of my most trusted mamas before I went. Why did I decide to deliberately take them to this? I could say that it was a rare Friday when they were out of school and Jude was in pre-school, it was a week before their 14th birthday, their dad had already seen it with a friend and ok'd it and I just wanted to take the rare moment to do something with just my guys.  While that's all true... that wasn't the entire reason.  The real reason I took them was because, though it was full of violence and foul language....it was REAL.  That is something I'm continuously trying to find the balance in...sharing the real world with them while protecting their hearts from shear ungodliness.  How can I expect them to stand strong as grown men when they are face to face with reality one day and not shrink back to the fetal position? The answer is simple....I can't shield them from everything....I have to prepare them for battle.  

Taking them to the movie, my goal initially was to reinforce to my boys.... who love to spend time on the weekends playing the war games that I caved on long ago.... that they must not take the act of war and the act of pulling a trigger lightly.  That there are actual wars being fought.  Actual bad guys, actual people being hurt, and actual brave men and women who have to do some really hard things in life. REAL LIFE.  Real pain, real suffering, real sacrifice, real love.  I'll just say that I got my money's worth and so much more.  

In making the decision to go and even driving to the movies that morning, I had concerns running through my head that went a little something like this: Satan has such a grip on so much of our society in America.....there is less and less talk of right and wrong, self discipline, self sacrifice, and the greater good.  Now there is much more focus on personal choice, to each his own and "my" rights, etc.  He has us right where he wants us.  Full of pride and concern for ourselves.  You know the saying..."pride comes before a fall"?  God opposes the proud, y'all. Is that what we're setting our children up for? 

See, there are bad guys out there.  They're all over the news....We all know ISIS is real.  There are many others who aren't part of their gang but are just as bad.  How many of our children are going to want to come out of their bubble to protect others if the need arises?   

How many of them, if their bubble is popped, would simply fall to pieces?  (How many of us would?)

There are wrongs and injustices that need to be righted every day, every where we turn. Who among their generation (and our self absorbed generation for that matter), will be willing or even able to lift a finger much less risk themselves for the greater good?  

There are people all around us that need to be restored to Jesus. How many of them are going to even risk rejection for the sake of another's soul?  

Are we raising our children to be grown men and women prepared to take their place in their generation or are we raising a bunch of self absorbed, overgrown children that can't see past the ends of their noses?  

Oh....we need warriors.  I, for one, know that God will equip my children and I fully accept the responsibility of preparing them for battle. No, I do not want my children to join the armed forces.  (If they feel called to do that later on, I will respect them for it.  But, you won't see me bringing home recruiting pamphlets for them!) They will still see all kinds of battles in their sweet lives, though. As for the movie.... Sure, there were some scenes I could have gone without them seeing that certainly didn’t help them mature spiritually. However, there was a powerful theme specifically focused on in the movie that I wasn't expecting............... 

Value others more than yourself.   

It is a resounding command to us and theme woven all throughout Scripture with Jesus as the ultimate hero, taking up OUR cause and paying the price we could never pay.  Yet, there will always be the enemy that keeps us in an earthly mindset by using a thousand different ways to keep us from focusing on eternal things.....and focusing on ourselves.  

Oddly enough, or divinely enough I should say, I've been working on this blog a few minutes here and there since I posted part 1....... though, it's been on my heart for months. A couple of months ago, Steve and the boys were asked to go on a mission trip this summer to Guatemala. He's been thinking and praying on it but I really didn't think he was going to say yes. But, a few nights ago, Steve surprises me and tells me he thinks he's going to take them. The boys seemed a little hesitant about the idea. The mama bear in me wanted to get my bubble wand flowing again. But, I didn't. They need this. So, I encouraged them tonight and will continue to if they indeed get to go.  

See, I can teach these boys lots of things.  I can teach them how to clean, cook, make their beds, write an essay, shoot a gun (or their dad can anyway), spike their hair, eat a balanced diet, talk to a girl, mind their manners, treat their friends, iron their clothes, etc. etc.  But, if I don't use my influence as their mother to prepare their hearts for Kingdom purposes, then I've failed them and they will be ill equipped for the real world.....and our world will continue to be the poorer for it.   

I will never be finished with this mama gig. But, for this particular teaching opportunity, I'm glad I took them to see the movie.....they were deeply moved. I'm thankful for Chris Kyle and all the men and women who serve and the families who lend them to us. I'm prayerful over the men, women, and children who live in these war ridden parts of the world that most of us rarely consider. I'm hopeful that God will set a fire in our babies' souls that will only grow stronger as they grow each and every day.  

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Now, I realize most of this post focused on our young men and, at the beginning, I had mentioned our little woman....who, by the way looks just like the boys but with blonde hair.  Well....she gets her own blog post.  I should say....she requires her own!  That's a whole other can of worms and that one will be coming soon!:) Subscribe via the email link above to have new posts sent straight to you! Thanks so much for reading and sharing Roots with me!